Excess Baggage

After doing my duty in my friends' wedding and baking in San Antonio's summer sun, I'm back. No thanks to American Airlines.

Long gripe short, my connecting flight back Monday morning from St. Louis was canceled due to weather in New York. I can handle that. Bad weather happens. And I was fortunate enough to be able to stay with my girlfriends' parents who live outside the city. All I needed was my bag back. Apparently that's a problem.

Despite the flight being canceled, I had to revisit the ticket counter to make a special request to get my bag back. After doing that and waiting 40 minutes for it at the bag claim, I visited the American Airlines baggage office.

Mike: Yeah, I need my bag back. Is it coming?

Attendant: Well ... [walkie talkie beeps, then explodes with Charlie-Brown Teacher chatter. The attendant, completely panicked translates] OKAY, EVERYONE NEEDS TO EVACUATE THIS FLOOR RIGHT NOW. THE POLICE WILL EXPLAIN WHEN THEY GET HERE, BUT YOU NEED TO MOVE NOW!

15 minutes later after heroically running to retrieve my girlfriend from certain death and safely exit the building ... only to be told within seconds of our exit that it's a false alarm and some moron leaned against the wrong button ...

Mike: Yeah, I need my bag back. Is it coming?

New, calmer, but much more incompetent attendant: It could be 20 minutes, it could be four hours.

Mike: Um, can you narrow that down for me?

Same, calmer, attendant who is now uneager to accept any shred of responsibility for my missing bag: Not really.

Mike: Aren't you guys the baggage department? Isn't finding people's lost luggage what you do?

Same, calmer, but now somewhat confused attendant: Yes.

Mike: So why can't you go find my bag?

Same, calmer, but completely boggled attendant: Well, because we don't have access to the baggage room. If you want to wait by the baggage belt, your bag should come out.

Mike, far from calm and quietly calculating the legal consequences of throttling an airline employee relative to the Darwinian justice of ridding the earth of an inept employee sapping this planet's valuable resources, such as water, oxygen and my time: So, just to sum up. You represent the airline's baggage department. Your sole responsibility is to monitor people's luggage and not only are you unable to tell me where my bag is, but you're entirely unable to even TRY to find it.

Same, calmer attendant slowly realizing she's the butt of a joke: So, sir, what exactly do you suggest I do?

Mike's mind: See if the DMV is hiring.

Mike's body: I wish this boarding pass I am currently tearing in half with my hands was your soul.

Mike's mind again: Nothing. Do nothing. You seem to do it so well, why stop now?

Mike's actual response: I think I'll go find someone else to speak to by the baggage claim.

After another 30 minutes of no one knowing where my bag is, one attendant tells me I should just leave it and let it get put onto the flight tomorrow morning or even sent on later that evening. Never mind that it has all of my clothes. Or all of my toiletries. Or could have contained large quantities of substances frowned upon by the TSA but embraced by fundamentalist militants. I should just forget about it, potentially let it fly on a plane without me, and go about my day.

Riiiight ...

Scary realization No. 1: These are the people keeping our planes "safe" from terrorists.

Scary realization No. 2: The attendent's vote in the presidential election counts just as much as mine does.

Did I mention that American Airlines is now charging for checked baggage?

In five weeks I guarantee all you will find in airplane cargo holds are leather leggings, whips, spiked collars and other implements only a masochist could love.

Which very much reminds me of watching the Nationals.

Okay, rant over. More actual content later.